Are They a Friend, a Spy, or an Unpaid Extra?

I recently discussed this with myself in front of a camera, and honestly, it’s a topic that remains relevant, something someone, somewhere is always discovering.

The Oxford Dictionary defines a friend as “a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection.” Ultimately, I see you the way you see me; I treat you the way you treat me, all on a foundation of love.

But as adults, we know friendships look very different to different people. Like most things in life, the way you treat others , good or bad, often stems from how you were handled by your guardians, family, or community growing up. Our perspective shapes so much. While it can be unlearned, it’s not something we’re automatically trained to shift.

Looking back over my life, I can now clearly see which friends truly embodied that dictionary definition and which did not. But with maturity comes awareness, and with awareness comes understanding. Sometimes, giving people grace is necessary because not everyone shares your mindset, experiences, or level of self-awareness.

Expanding on that dictionary definition, a friend is someone who listens, is honest, faithful, and communicates effectively. Most importantly, a friend doesn’t change who they are towards you whether you’re in the room or not. If our friendship ends due to natural separation and change, but you feel the need to share what you knew in confidence, you were never a friend. You were in fact, a spy.

A spy is defined as “a person employed by a government or organisation to secretly obtain information on an enemy or competitor.” I doubt the government hired you, but you definitely hired yourself. Maybe it didn’t start out this way, but somewhere along the line, you became my enemy.

Spies hurt the most because they were great friends. Just because they hurt you doesn’t mean they didn’t love you or want the best for you, it just means that like all good spies, they adapted so well they convinced you, and even themselves, that it was real. The best spies are the ones you’d never question. Think Nina Myers from 24. Sorry if I’ve spoiled that for anyone, but it’s 24 years old! Nina kept those around her close, and though she had love for her colleagues and Jack, her agenda was her agenda. When it looked like it might be compromised, many got burned.

Of course, it’s not always that dramatic. Sometimes people simply change over time, shaped by their surroundings, and that shift trickles down into friendships for an unfortunate ending.

We also have to recognise that as humans, we tend to hold each other to a standard that really only God should be held to. Not everyone can be everything to you. Many of us hold platonic friendships to an expectation that leaves no room for human error. When a friend messes up, it’s easy to disregard them entirely. Yet, when a significant other disrespects you daily, you still lie on the same pillow staring lovingly into their eyes while they, quite frankly, spit in it.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have expectations or boundaries, you absolutely should. But make sure you’re also willing to give what you require. Maybe not everyone is meant to be that everything friend to you. Perhaps it’s just one or two, but even then, check that your one or two aren’t also giving themselves as ‘everything friends’ to multiple other people. It can be done, but it’s draining, and if they aren’t being poured into equally, resentment builds.

There will be friends who are your confidants and others who aren’t, but you can still have a good time with them. That doesn’t make them bad friends – they’re just friends for certain occasions.

Then there are the unpaid extras. Usually harmless. They come in different forms. Some are old besties you’ve outgrown with love; if they’re around, they might act as a therapist, you share something personal and know they won’t tell anyone, not because of loyalty but because they don’t care enough to. They’ll give you great advice and then disappear until the mutual friend you’re both still connected with throws another event.

The other unpaid extras are acquaintances you’ve known for years. You can catch up on surface-level life updates, have fun, but never share anything too juicy because, while they’re not malicious, they’re just… messy.

So what have we learnt?

First, give people grace. Second, open your eyes, awareness is key.

Set boundaries to protect your peace.

Don’t expect what you aren’t willing to give.

Remember: just because you have your definition of what a friend is doesn’t mean it’s the universal truth.

You will get burnt at some point in your friendships – it’s part of navigating life. Have the discernment to know the difference between someone’s true character and a circumstantial mistake or momentary flaw.